Female Wisdom - Bev Russell, Library Director

(This column appeared in the February 10, 2008, Star-Herald)

 

We are all getting older, but we don’t have to go quietly. That’s why I ride a motorcycle. I have been working on my "Bucket List" for about twenty years now—next, a tattoo! If someone wants to give me a nice gift, a chin lift would be appreciated. I believe everything in life is made easier through laughter, even aging. I have been cheering myself up this week with the book, Race You to the Fountain of Youth: I’m Not Dead Yet (But parts of me are going fast) - Laughing Your Way through Midlife. Comedy writers Martha Bolton and Brad Dickson (They wrote for Bob Hope and Jay Leno respectively) set the book up as a race between the Female Team and the Male Team. Let the games begin!

Here are a few tips for the Female Team.

Corn pad taboos: Corn pads are not Post-it notes. Do not write memos to yourself on them. Large corn pads should never be used as oven mitts.

The underarm lift could be life-saving! Some underarms pose a risk to life during a wind advisory. Furthermore, half the injuries during hurricanes are the result of underarm self-whippings.

A helpful hint, regarding heel peels – buy a sander and save money.

For baggy skin under the chin, tie it or stitch it into a nice bow or fold it over for a turtleneck look.

One advantage of living to one hundred is that you have outlived every person who ever got on your nerves.

A driving tip for the middle-aged female driver: To avoid swollen ankles on long trips stretch your legs at regular intervals. Set the cruise control to the speed limit, then place both legs on the dashboard and stretch. If you don’t have cruise control, do only one leg at a time.

If you are suffering from a rash, it could be poison ivy, an allergic reaction, or thighs rubbing against each other while walking.

Why doesn’t some exercise work? The treadmill has an Off button. Floating takes less energy than swimming laps.

Under ten things women boomers do to mess up their lives, my favorite is putting car keys and glasses anywhere but around your neck.

There are some questions that are eternal, aging never clears them up. What did Billy Joe McAlister throw off the Tallahatchie Bridge?

Finally, for my grandchildren, one difference between yesterday’s Grandma and today’s: Yesterday’s Grandma kept her life’s savings hidden in a jar in the back of the pantry. Today’s Grandma spends your inheritance on a new Harley, a face-life and a trip to Bora-Bora. Sorry kids, "On the Road Again"!

Next week, we’ll take a look at some hints for the Male Team.

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