Redneck - Bev Russell, Library Director

(This column appeared in the November 11, 2007, Star-Herald)

Laughter is one of God’s gifts to human beings. Think about it. Dog’s don’t laugh. They wag their tails but no chuckles. Cats don’t laugh. Well, my cat may silently smirk, but I haven’t got proof. It’s more a feeling I get once in a while when she claws my face in the middle of the night because she wants out. Birds chirp. Gold fish swim. Hermit crabs do whatever hermit crabs do, but I have never heard as much as a giggle out of any of them. So it’s settled, God gave laughter to human beings. God gave us laughter and Jeff Foxworthy gave us, "You might be a redneck if…."

I actually was planning to write about another book this week, but "Redneck Dictionary III: Learning to Talk More Gooder Fastly" arrived at the library today, and I had to share the laughter. Here are some definitions from Jeff Foxworthy’s dictionary.

Ac-quire, n. a group of singers, especially those who perform during religious ceremonies. "She sings so pretty, she should join acquire."

Bar-i-um, v. and n. to deposit a male person or animal underground and cover him with earth. "My dog died yesterday, so we’re gonna barium today."

Bor-row, n. and v. a phrase concerning the future state of a tavern. "Hurry up or the borrow be closed!"

Ca-jole, v. and n. a request for action from a group. "I don’t like being the center of attention, so cajole stop staring at me?

Can-ni-bal, v. and n. interrogative concerning the abilities of an uncastrated male bovine. "I’ve always wondered, cannibal mate with more than one cow in a day?

City, v. and n. the act of reclining onto the buttocks, as connected with a male’s subsequent response or action. "On account of his hemorrhoids, every time he tires to city screams.

Ego, n. and v. a male moving from one location to another. "He’s a good man, Daddy…ego to church every Sunday.

Eu-rope, n. and adv. a phrase depicting the person being spoken to as in a high or precarious position. "I’d say Europe a creek without a paddle."

Gas-tric, n. a skillful act involving a flammable vaporous or liquid substance. "Since he set his backside on fire, he don’t do that gastric no more."

Healthy, n., conj., and pron. the eternal damnation of a male person, dependent upon certain conditions. "He’s going to healthy don’t change his ways."

Is laughter really the best medicine? It sure makes life more enjoyable. I hope you enjoyed a little of Jeff Foxworthy’s "Redneck Dictionary III".

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